I turned 36 earlier this week. I can feel the weight of that number as I type it out. My expectations of what would be achieved by the age of 36 have almost no correlation with reality. And this seems to the general trend of growing old. Every passing year, I try to muster some optimism for life, but reality never fails to bring you crashing down with a stark reminder of the ground level scenario. Often times, I feel that I would never wish the pain of adulthood on anyone.
There is no end to the struggle. While I tend to blame myself for not working harder, sometimes you must understand that this is the goal of the capitalist economy. To keep you struggling. To keep you working. To keep you spending more than you can afford. To keep your mind so occupied about finding ways to survive so that you cannot devote any energy to the bigger questions of life.
Our country seems to be very adept at this task. The goal of the leadership is to keep the population squabbling, fighting, and focusing on mundane tasks so that they never get the mind space to actually question the quality of life that they deserve. As a supposedly modern nation, it is absolutely baffling that our infrastructure is still stuck in a different era. The quality of services that we get is honestly pathetic.
The shoddy options offered by government has led to a large scale private economy which readily finds many takers, and thrives by offering identical services but at a higher quality. And then crony capitalism ensures that these private companies are handled by politicians and their families. Who in turn ensure that government services never achieve acceptable qualities. What a wonderful cycle of economy.
The masses are led to believe that this is all they deserve. No wonder the smarter ones strive to leave the country by whatever means possible. When you have no free press, no ability to hold your leaders accountable, no means to criticize the government (for the fear of being labeled as ‘anti-national’, whatever that means), then you must ask yourself, is this your country or theirs? Is this what a healthy democracy looks like?
Or I am just too thinking too much? Am I reading too many articles? And not have with the level of privilege to match my world view? Should I just shut up and keep working? No. Because as a creative, it is my duty to speak out, to stand up, and do my little bit to churn your mind. I know I am not going to be the pioneer of some great social upheaval but I can do my bit to stir my readers.
The dreams of childhood are unreal. You can call it manifesting. Sure, its nice to be positive and dream big. But the only thing you get after dreaming big is the crushing disappointment of not achieving those dreams. Because the world is not designed the reward the dreamers and hard workers (regardless of what you have been led to believe all your life), but it rewards the ones who toe the line, find the loopholes in the economy, and are apparently ‘hustling’.
Hustle. I have grown to hate that word. It loses all meaning when you want to live in a peaceful world. Aren’t we supposed to respect each other, treat everyone with empathy, and build peace and harmony? Isn’t that the mark of a civilized world? Or are we still barbarians? What is the kind of world that you want to live in? Are we working towards that?
I want to live in a city where I can walk to a cafe and have great chai and osmania biscuits (all Irani cafes are dying and being replaced by guady overpriced cafes or other useless services).
I want to live in a city where all my life necessities are within a 1km radius (its not difficult, you need thoughtful urban planning).
I want to live in a city where I don’t have to think twice about taking public transport (I shouldnt have to ask someone which bus takes me where and how often it comes, that information should be easily accessible).
I want to live in a city where I can easily reach out to my government and representatives (I find it strange that sometimes Twitter is the only means of communication).
I want to live in a city where life doesn’t feel transactional (childhood in Marredpally was divine, adulthood in Jubilee Hills is the polar opposite).
I want to live in a city where the environment isn’t taken for granted, where trees are a part of our cityscapes (again, just need thoughtful urban planning).
I want to live in a city where I can enrich myself culturally and not only have restaurants/movies as my entertainment options (I think the audience is also to blame for this).
I want to live in a city where the life of it’s citizens are valued, and the time of the public is not taken for granted.
I want to live in a city where I am not constantly made to do a series of admin tasks, just to exist (the number of KYCs, bills, paper work, all in different locations and timelines).
I want to live a life where I don’t constantly feel at edge.
Maybe I am dreaming too big? Perhaps all I can hope for is a small nugget of optimism amidst the dark cloud of reality. Am I destined to forever fight in this country that is designed to control the public yet chooses to bend the rules for the privileged? Have I over-educated myself to the extent that I may never find true happiness in my constant search for the ‘ideal life’? And I am clearly not privileged enough (yet) to escape the trappings of capitalism.
My problem also arises from the fact that I have been exposed to this quality of life for a few years in England. Where the mundane part of existence was on autopilot and the mind could take the time to think about the bigger contribution to the world. So now I know what is possible. And I am forced to constantly compromise for lesser.
I often try to end my blog posts with a ray of positiveness, something that we can learn, some point to take away but today, I’m afraid I only have the stark blandness of reality for you.
Currently reading – One Of Our Ministers Is Missing by Alan Johnson
Currently listening to – Fortunate Son by Creedence Clearwater Revival
Currently watching – Your Friends & Neighbours on Apple TV+
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