In less than 6 hours, I will be catching a plane to London, not unlike the journeys I have been conducting regularly for the past five years. But this time, it’s a little bit different. This time, I will only be spending a week in England, to pack up the belongings that I have built up over the course of five years, send them off to India and bid adieu to friends (hopefully not for the last time). Faced with a new situation, my mind is overwhelmed with emotions that I never knew existed.
The last couple of months in Hyderabad have been filled with fun, excitement, anxiety and fear. Spending time with friends and traveling about has been tremendous fun and provided me with plenty of ways to keep myself entertained. However at the same time, I have had to deliberate and carefully consider my next steps in life. Making the decision to stay back in India, at least for the near future was not easy. Generally being a rather meticulous person, I took the time to research my practical options, understand the full implications of my decision and realize the long term potentials of each possible route in my life. Weighing the pros and cons, India turned out to be the optimal choice for now. Perhaps a reassessment of the situation in a year or so may direct me differently.
The anxiety and fear was also caused by a sense of helplessness in deciding the direction of my life. Looking into a future filled with less of England and more of India has not helped the situation. I would be lying through my teeth if I said that I have not missed England in the past few weeks. At times, it has almost been painful to look at photos and videos from England as I slowly came to terms and realized the full implications of my decision. But as I grow older, I have realized that while planning is essential, it is also important to have the understanding and maturity to remain calm when faced with uncertainty. Life is filled with surprises, both good and bad, and we should be train ourselves to think logically when they pay us a visit.
Looking back at my five years in England made me think about the times I truly enjoyed myself, the times I was pushed to my limits and the times I was too drunk to remember. It reminded me of days when I felt on top of the world and days I never looked forward to. A flashback of actions that I was proud of and actions that I regretted. Times when I thought the world was my oyster and times when I realized that I was but a drop in the ocean. A life of contrasts and controversies, the experiences have been truly unforgettable.
I am currently stuck with a strange combination of emotions, of pain and joy, quite unlike anything I have felt before. Going forward, a quote from one of my favourite movies keeps me inspired to never stop running – “The worth of a life is not determined by a single failure or a solitary success.”
Currently listening to – Scarlet by U2